Breaking News - North Korea Nuked

BREAKING NEWS (Note : This is the only reliable source of Un-Fake News)

Kim Jong Un of North Korea threatened America one too many times. This morning, US President Donald Trump decided he had had enough of “Rocket Man”. No man likes to be told, “Mine is bigger than yours”, least of all Mr. Trump. With the click of a single button, the nation of North Korea was annihilated this morning.

As is common knowledge, the Oval office desk is replete with a plethora of buttons for nuking Korea, Pakistan, Syria as well as deep blue states like New York and California. Kudos are in order for Chief of Staff John Kelley for tagging the correct button with a cute little sticker offering helpful advice such as “Click here to nuke Rocket Man”. 

Now that the North Koreans have been put out of their misery, the White House is accepting bids for reconstruction. Disney is rumored to be a front-runner with plans to build a massive all inclusive theme park and resort. There'll be innovative rides like “Soarin’ Over Korean Wasteland” . Plans also include gourmet restaurants offering specialty pizza like “Mushroom Cloud”  and cocktails such as “Uranium Mule” and “Bloody Kim-ary”

Stay tuned for further explosive developments.

Vishal was lonely. Really really lonely. Mona, his wife of 6 years, had walked out on him last month. Their divorce was almost final - just a couple of signatures and a bit more than a couple of bucks to the lawyer – and he would be single again.

Truth be told, Vishal was secretly glad she walked out. Let’s rephrase that – he was elated! He'd fantasized about that moment for a long time, but could never muster up the courage to end the marriage. And then there was the desi family pressure to make it work. Of course his parents in India felt guilty for shortlisting Mona for him. No doubt their guilt was compounded by the dowry they had greedily extracted from her parents. 

Plopped on his couch in front of inane late night TV, he was lost in his thoughts. Sure she cleaned him out; grabbed the car, seized the house and stole his pride - but he knew it was worth it. No more fights, no more nagging and no more screaming. Notwithstanding the relief, Vishal was still lonely. They had had some good moments, although few and far in between. The sex had been decent. The nights in an empty bed felt especially solitary.

Beer in hand, Vishal had almost drifted off when the cheesy late night commercial caught his eye. It was an ad for a human size rubber doll. Of course they meant it as a sex toy, but Vishal saw possibilities. He was nothing if not an out-of-the-box thinker. With a sudden alacrity belying his drunken stupor, he swung into action. The phone in one hand and a credit card in the other, he frantically called the number on the screen. They were only too willing to fulfill his overnight shipping request for an extra $40.

You see, Vishal had a vision. His big plan was to recreate Mona, but without the negative points. He fancied himself as a futuristic geneticist who was going to engineer the perfect wife for himself.

When the box arrived the next day, he excitedly ripped apart the packaging. He blew up the doll and stared, as his gaze lingered admiringly at its sexy figure. Mona had started to pack on a few pounds, and this was certainly an upgrade! However, the blonde hair on the rubber doll wasn't going to do it for him. He took her over the sink, and lovingly colored the blonde tresses with a dark shade matching Mona's.

For that matter, Vishal was turning increasingly uncomfortable referring to her as "rubber doll" or as "it". Say what you may, it wasn't very respectful. It was decided that she shall be named – the name chosen was "NiMona". In case you didn't get it (duh!), NiMona was simply short for "New & Improved Mona".

Vishal decided he couldn't have NiMona lying around naked all day. He rummaged through old clothes and unearthed a couple of Mona's outfits that she had deemed too unfashionable to keep. After dressing up NiMona in those clothes, he proceeded to apply Mona's brand of lipstick and perfume on to NiMona. When he was finally done, he couldn't help but stand back and admire his creation. The rubber doll, er, NiMona bore an uncanny resemblance to Mona. She looked like Mona and smelled like Mona, but did not scowl like Mona. Not only did she not scowl, she didn't nag, shout or scream. This truly was a new & improved Mona, reflected Vishal.

Over the next several weeks, NiMona became an integral part of Vishal's life. He couldn't wait to rush home after work and share his day with her. She always had a smile on, and was such an attentive listener - never interrupting and never condescending. Sex became such fun again! NiMona was always in the mood! She never complained of a headache, never had PMS and never complained about his performance - that seemed to last no more than 90 seconds.

Vishal flew to India that summer, so his parents could meet his new bride. As you can imagine, they were dismayed at first. But the skepticism quickly turned to delight when they realized she hadn't even needed an air ticket to travel. Vishal had simply deflated her and packed her into the suitcase. Nothing thrills desis more than the prospect of saving a few bucks! As they said, NiMona was "paisa vasool".

Last we heard, rubber dolls are becoming a fad in India. They are being viewed as a panacea to all the ills of society like a skewed sex ratio between men and women, preference for male child, dowry etc. etc. At last count, the number of rapes had dropped dramatically. Or, it just may be that the rubber dolls are not filing police complaints.

America moves to annex Mexico

Following the precedent set by Russia in Crimea, President Obama today ordered American troops into Mexico. Shortly before the invasion began, Mr Obama took to national primetime and read diligently from the teleprompter, "Ethnic Americans comprise the majority of people in Mexican territories of Cancun, Cozumel, Cabo and Acapulco. We fear for the safety of these Americans."

Mexicans welcoming American troops

The tough talk and action on Mexico has bought some breathing room for the beleaguered president, who has been accused of being soft on Russia, Iran, Syria and China. And also on Pakistan, Iraq and Afghanistan.

Rather than putting up resistance to the American invasion, the Mexicans actually welcomed the American troops. Mexico is said to be planning an electoral vote that will determine whether they become part of USA.

An opinion poll conducted by NBC-WSJ yesterday determined that a full 100% of Mexicans were likely to vote in favor of joining USA. It was also reported that the 73 druglords who rule Mexico will likely abstain from voting.

Seeking to make hay while the sun shines, President Obama declared that he had solved the vexing immigration issue once and for all. Thumbing his nose at the Republicans, he remarked "No more illegal aliens and no more border securing. We are all one country now - a big happy family. I may not have reached across the aisle, but I certainly reached across the border"

The new country will reportedly retain the name USA, with Mexico becoming the 51st state.

Chicago man finds innovative solution to daily commute

Mukul Gupta finally grew tired of his daily 90 minute commute into downtown Chicago, and this spurred his creative thinking into overdrive. He discovered an innovative solution to the daily traffic jams that plague his journey into work.
Mukul decided that the best way to eliminate the traffic jam was to eliminate the underlying cause of his commute - his job. He was quoted as saying, "Naa rahega baans, na bajegi bansuri."
Once Mukul quit his job, he was amazed at how much free time he suddenly had, and how the traffic jams were no longer an issue! When he was asked how he planned to now support his family, he grew clearly distraught and remarked, "Uhh...I hadn't really thought of that."

Sarita celebrates karva chauth

Sarita rolled around in bed stretching her naked body languidly, as her arm lingered over Michael's chest. Her mind raced over their amorous adventures, and she felt herself blushing thinking over the last hour of their passionate romp. Rahul, her husband of seven years, had never managed to give her such pleasure.

Her parents had married her off to Rahul as the well settled USA based IT professional. While he strived to provide for Sarita, and please her at every turn, it only served to turn her off. Lately, she found his nerdiness to be unbearable. However, as a true "bhartiya naari", she listened dutifully to stories of his computer algorithms and how he had managed to master the art of recursive function calls in java.

Her affair with Michael had come as a welcome relief from her boring married life. But today was different - after all, it was karva chauth; and Sarita was nothing if not the pious dutiful wife.

As she rolled out of bed and searched for her undergarments that she had divested off in such a rush, Michael protested, "Sarita, why can't you stay a bit longer? We've hardly had time to spoon and cuddle". Sarita was aghast at his insensitivity to her Indian culture. Admonishing him, she exclaimed, "Michael! Have I taught you nothing about my Indian culture? It's karva chauth and I must rush home today to fast for my husband, and to pray for his long life." Michael simply shrugged, he had come to really admire her culture in bed, and wasn't about to pose any questions that might jeopardize that arrangement.

Sarita was home in a jiffy. She wasted no time in decking herself up for the karva chauth pooja. She quickly washed down the chicken tikka with some vodka and lemonade. Gin was her favorite drink, but vodka would have to do today - what with its lack of odor. After all, it was karva chauth and she could hardly show up at the pooja smelling of her favorite gin. 

The pooja was a blast, and all the women gossiped abundantly about the women who were not present. 

Later that evening, as they waited for the moon to show up, Sarita discreetly gulped down a few more vodkas. When the moon finally showed up and Sarita managed to glance at it, she was rather drunk and dehydrated from all that vodka. She smiled weakly at Rahul, "Happy karva chauth, dear hubby". And then she promptly proceeded to pass out on the polished hardwood floor of their new home.

Rahul rushed her to ER, where the staff declared her "dehydrated", and proceeded to pump her with a couple of bottles of fluid via IV. Rahul was so gratified by Sarita's selfless love that he promptly issued a Facebook update, "Sarita fainted today from her lack of fluids due to karva chauth fasting. I am so lucky to have such a lovely wife with true Indian values. Love you Sarita"

India lodges strong protest in Snowden NSA-CIA spying case

Anglela Merkel is livid; and still reeling from the revelation that NSA was spying on her, and eavesdropping on her cell phone. This claim and others that she and other world leaders have been spied on had "severely shaken" relationships between Europe and the United States, the German leader said.

Meanwhile, the Indian government swung into uncharacteristic action upon learning that Manmohan Singh was NOT one of the 28 world leaders spied upon. American ambassador Nancy Powell was summoned by Congress supremo Sonia Gandhi to lodge an official protest. She said, "Not being chosen in the elite list of 28 spy-worthy nations has severely affected our relations". Mrs Gandhi further chastised Ms Powell for this personal insult to PM Manmohan Singh.

When NSA was contacted about this international fracas, they rather red-facedly admitted that although they had tried to spy on Manmohan Singh, his unique mumbling style had proved too much for even the NSA's supercomputers to interpret.

Scary Halloween Time...what's your fright-o-meter? Take our Insta-Poll !!!

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